What do you do?

I have just been through one of the worst weeks of my life. In fact, only one week surpasses this one....

Two weeks ago was great! I had an excellent birthday, I successfully threw Peter a surprise birthday party with a lot of friends and family, I applied for 2 teaching positions at a school that I thought I had a HUGE chance of getting hired at. On Monday I got a call for an interview for those two positions, scheduled on Tuesday at 4! YAY YIPPEEEEE!!! That was the end of my good week.

On Tuesday I was scheduled to work the second half of the day at the school next door to the school that I had the interview for. No big deal, I'd just go accross the road for my interview. I thought I had the morning to get ready, so I was taking my time. At 9:00, Natalie was on the bus, Alexis was watching cartoons, and I was sitting in the chair in my pjs when I got a call from a school secretary, saying I was scheduled to be there teaching Kindergarten that morning. I said that I wasn't, but checked my schedule anyway, and sure enough, there it was. I was supposed to be there at 8:30. Fratically, I told the secretary that I was at least 30 min. away and ran upstairs to get ready. I called Peter, literally, while I was in the shower and apparently he had booked me the job a week ago, and forgot to tell me. I could have killed him, granted I should have checked my schedule closer, but I didn't know I needed to look for anything.... blah blah blah. Anyway, I take the world's fastest shower, and throw my interview outfit on in about 10 minutes. I grab my makeup bag, hoping that I'll have some time to put it on during the day. I'm also calling the babysitter, but she's not answering her phone, so I don't have anywhere for Alexis to go to. Thank God Charley was home and had the day off from school and work and could watch Alexis (who is still in her pjs, and only had a quick snack for breakfast, nothing substancial). So I show up at the school and rush into the classroom, that has started already, and I was just so off all morning because I didn't start the day with them and set the first impression kind of thing. The class was chaotic and just off. So I get through the morning, and get all the kids on the bus to go home (half day kindergarten) and leave 10 minutes before I was supposed to. I didn't eat breakfast, and I wasn't going to go without lunch too, not on that day. So I go through a drive through and get a quick lunch and eat it in the car on the way to the next school. I've got napkins draped all over me, so that if I drip, it doesn't get on me. I show up at the second school, sign in at the office and get told, by the secretary, "Oh you're in tech this afternoon? Good luck with that!" Not a good sign..... I get in the room, and there are minimal lesson plans. "Have students in tech do Math Facts and Type to Learn and in your library class, read the students some books or do an author study for 20 minutes and then let them check out." The only helpful thing she did leave me was a schedule of the times she has classes, but they don't have what grades they are. I only have five minutes between each class, so I couldn't even go in and prepare for that library and find some books, or find out what grade..... Oh well, it was a bit chaotic and on the fly, but nothing too bad. But by the end of that period, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. Then I had to go to my interview..... and totally flopped it! At least I feel like I did. There were questions that took me off guard, and then there were questions that I feel like I should have answered very differently than I did but didn't think of a good answer until AFTER, and at their last question, "Why do you want to be a teacher" I teared up.... and then they didn't give me an opportunity to ask questions.... Why?????? I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry, but I didn't have time, because I had to rush home, get the girls and change for work that night.

Wednesday was actually a good day. I taught in Natalie's class, which was a lot of fun.

Thursday, I taught in 2nd grade, and it was the worst 2nd grade class I've ever been in. 2nd grade is my absolute FAVORITE grade to teach. I was looking forward to this day, but there was so much drama and issues in this class, I felt like I was teaching middle school. I had a couple of girls get in a loud argument over 75 cents. It was unbelievable! They didn't listen to directions at all; it's surprising we got anything accomplished at all that day.

Then Friday came.... I still hadn't heard anything about the jobs, whether I got them or not. I was teaching 5th grade at the school that the positions are open and I figured, I'd probably find out that day. It was the absolute worst day of subbing I've ever had. Long story short, the principal had to come up to the room 3 different times; twice to remove the same student out of the room who was absolutely disrespectful and refused to do anything I asked; the second time he had to remove another student out as well. And the third time he had to come back up shortly after removing the students the second time to regain control of the room, because I could not. At that time, he saw that I was about to lose it from frustration so he sent me out of the room to regain composure. That's not a good thing for a principal who is looking to hire you.

I still haven't heard anything about the jobs. I'm assuming I didn't get either of them though.

I've been spiraling ever since! I'm tired! I'm tired of subbing! I'm tired of not knowing what to expect every day! I'm tired of working from 8 am to 10 pm 4 nights a week! I'm tired of missing my family! I'm tired of not having dinner with my family! I'm tired of only seeing Natalie 2 hours a day (1 hour before school and 1 hour after) 4 days a week! I'm tired of working two jobs! I'm tired of working my ass off and having nothing to show for it!! I'm tired of making too much for some programs but not making enough (or not having my subbing count as income) for other things! I'm... Just... TIRED!!!

What do you do when you want your dream so very badly, but you're not willing/can't afford to fight for it anymore?